After death - remembering somebody dearly departed

pin boards with lifetime trajectory at memorial service a week after death

Whether the person is closely related or distantly known, it is hard to articulate the fullness of a life in a few pictures, stories shared with the bereaved family members, and the fellowship of food and drinks with the others after the ceremony is complete.

In the past 10 years the businesses that guide and provide for customers who want to celebrate the life and to mark the death of a loved one publicly, rather than to do so themselves or in a way not open to people outside of the immediate family have begun to offer multi-media life stories to summarize some of the places, people, achievements, and stages of life for the person who has died. It could be a movie or (kiosk, autoplay) slideshow, with or without music. But the effect is not too much different to these boards of family snapshots and a few formal photographs grouped by era or theme. No matter if the visitors see the moments of the person's life in prints or digitally, at the ceremony or online at the funeral company's website, the lingering feeling of "but this is only a shadow of a much fuller and meaning-filled existence."

Those dressed up for the ceremony and following along the scripture readings, sermon of remembrance, and musical interludes may experience moments with private thoughts and reflections of their own. And while the combined experience of the life arc in photos and the publicly recounted words do invoke some of the character and presence of the newly deceased friend or relative, for others who want to know the person's life more than this, long after the ceremony has concluded, the ability to construct a whole personhood and whole living environment of social interchange is very limited. In other words, in the same way that the 1st person experience of living and life and intending the purposes that give one's own life meaning is so very rich, so, too, is the researcher's grasp of that life so very impoverished and even one-dimensional; flat and lacking in aspirations, worries, risks, or expectations.

In the end, what genealogists have to work with is a fraction of the traces left behind by the person; a collection dates for Birth, Marriage(s), and Death. Things like good deeds done or kind words spoken or written seldom leave a ripple or a witness afterwards. Maybe there are details of addresses occupied, along with work performed and avocations. If there are journals or diaries or family stories that can be collected, then a bit more of the texture, flavor, and nuance can be conveyed, too. But even when given the richest documentary resources for a person, the portrait that unfolds across life's stages is far different to the live person in 360 degree active living and learning. Is this absence and simplification something to dismay (so impoverished and incomplete as it is) or something to be glad of (the impracticalities of knowing and holding onto the whole person)? Whether we dismay or sigh in relief, the facts remain of mortal existence and the limited meaning one occupies in the minds of those left behind. The difference between now and a generation ago is that mountains of digital images, text, and other artifacts can sometimes be mined in the effort to paint a portrait of the person across her or his lifespan. But no matter how much there is to mine, the result will necessarily be partial and incomplete.

Tender young age - how will they grow up; what world will they inherit

Late afternoon Wednesday at this small town, suburban (or exurban) park there were a few cars parked. Playing in the fountains and sprinklers and other sources of clean, chlorinated water were a few small children and their parent(s) or perhaps grandparent(s). Posted under the shade-giving overhanging roof of the public toilets was a young representative of the city occupying this summer job and responsible for locking up, turning off the water, calling the city office in case of injury, liability nightmare, or misuse of the equipment, and so on. From one perspective this kind of facility, its operation, and the habits or expectations of the people who come to use the equipment is not remarkable. It is an example of local government and budgets being administered well, rules being followed, and policies adjusted to fit the changing realities of families and other residents. In other words, these scenes are normal, desirable, and possibly something all citizens around the country should be entitled to; it is not something strange, extravagant, or unrealistic to achieve and maintain.

But after hearing news stories of refugees in camps, in transit, or in distress; or the stories of harsh and sometimes violent lives held up in the news media glare, something like little children amusing themselves outdoors seems like some sort of privilege or wished-for dreamland. Perhaps both perspectives are true, in the eyes of the beholder: this scene is normal and not special, but also this scene is statistically not common or conceivable.

Fast-forward 20 years and these small children will probably have grown up without major trauma or serious disease; many will have completed some form of higher education, some will be on leadership tracks to administer, manage, or direct matters of business, public sector, or professional services. Possibly their cohort from places impoverished, relative to this early childhood example, also will rise to opportunities of leadership or creative expression, but the obstacles are many more, and the role models and mentors are many fewer by comparison. Already from this tender young age the differences in life chances - the doors that seem to be open, the number and kinds of impediments and temptations and risks, and the expectations of self and in the eyes of others - all these things already are very different for one segment of this generation compared to another segment, based on postal code (residential location).